The comp.sys.sinclair crap games competition 2015 – – Page 9 – it's crap! In a funky skillo sort of a way.

Tongue-Tied in the Dungeon

9th March 2015

Simon Ferré is fast catching up with Dave Hughes and Sunteam in the prolificacy (LMLWD)* stakes. This, his third entry so far, is a direct result of a throwaway comment I made in the competition’s Facebook group. With the opening bars of the Smiths’ ‘Bigmouth Strikes Again’ echoing around my skull, I load the game…

Ooh, the screen’s gone black and I can see from the information in Spectaculator there’s a 6912-byte block. A loading screen! Simon obviously means business. And here it is:

Now for those of you who are thinking “It’s just a blank screen, what was the point of that?” – you’re absolutely right. However it’s still a great satire on all those “screens” that could’ve easily been done from BASIC but still took ages to appear because of some custom loading routine (I, Ball 2 and the They Sold A Million re-release of JSW, I’m looking at you)

The game loads, and the instructions appear in another custom font – that’s two in two days! I haven’t been this spoiled since I attended the Ambassador’s reception in 1993 and ended up getting my stomach pumped after an overdose of cheap Italian chocolate. I don’t know if Simon designed the font or not, but either way it’s a great choice for a crap game, as it’s barely legible even in full screen mode.

Now going by the title of the game I was expecting it to feature dungeons, skeletons, goblins and creepy spidery things. In reality it’s very different – it’s a tongue twister game. A tongue twister, for those of you who have been living in a cave since human beings first learnt to say “Ug”, is a short phrase designed to, well, twist your tongue – like “She sells sea shells on the sea shore”, or “The sixth sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick”. You’re given a time to beat, the tongue twister appears and you say it out loud before pressing Space to move on.

Because the Spectrum can’t hear you, it’s taken on trust that you won’t cheat and press Space before you’ve said the tongue twister. However the combination of white INK on black PAPER with the hard-to-read font soon proved too much for me – I was half-expecting there to be some anti-cheat mode, but nope…

For such a simple game this is actually entertaining fun for all the family (although you might want to take out the “pheasant plucker”, “stunt kite” and “sheet slitter” rounds if you have small children), whilst still retaining a general whiff of craptitude that all competition entries should aspire to.

Score: six sheep out of sixteen sheiks.

Download .tzx here

*Lloyd Mangram’s Long Word Dictionary, as used in Crash magazine

Verify The Pie Or Not!

leespoons

8th March 2015

Challenges, Crap Games

7 Comments

The terminally crap* Dave Hughes is back for this Keyword Challenge entry, entitled VERIFY THE PIE OR NOT ! Just to prove he hasn’t cheated, here’s what happens when you load the game:

Disappointingly for one of Dave’s games there’s no loading screen, but there is a small block containing some UDGs and the first use of a custom font in the competition so far (taken from ZX-Alfa by Einar Saukas) – sadly it’s far too legible to gain Dave any crap points.

After a catchy “sing the title” tune along the lines of The Sweeney or Mummy, Where’s My Bra? the instructions unfold. You work in a pie factory’s quality control department and have to check an unknown (possibly infinite) number of pies to make sure they are fit for human consumption. If the pie contains two edible ingredients, press 0. If it has one, press 1. If it’s completely inedible, press 2. Immediately Dave wins back some crap points for this topsy turvy control system, which requires you to use both hands.

So the game starts, with a rather attractive user defined pie graphic, and straight away we have a pie which even Heston Blumenthal would turn his nose up at…

Now this sounds like it might be a delicacy in downtown Pripyat, but even the trendiest Shoreditch gastropub would have trouble sourcing Strontium-90 for its gourmet, artisan, can-I-have-a-second-mortgage-with-that pies. Although at least it’s suitable for vegetarians.

The game continues in a similar fashion, with some perfectly edible (if slightly odd-sounding) pies…

…and some which, if presented on a menu, you’d ask the waiter “Have you got this pie with leeks instead?”…

…and one or two which even Eric Pickles would draw the line at…

Now I don’t know if it’s the sheer weight of crap games I’ve had to endure over the last few weeks, or the gallons of alcohol I’ve had to imbibe to make the playtesting more bearable, but this game really made me laugh – I mean, proper, laugh out loud, belly laughter, to the point where I was doubled over with tears in my eyes, and my 5-year-old daughter kept asking what was the matter with me. I don’t know if it was by accident or design that the fillings got more outrageous as the game progressed, but just when I thought I’d seen every pie flavour known to man (and a few known only to people from Lincolnshire), another odd combination appeared and almost finished me off.

To make the game interesting it records various statistics including your time, number of “good” pies baked and number of incorrect answers. There were a few mystery items thrown in there too – I had no idea what “snoek” and “breccia” were until I played this game, but I now know that one’s not an Italian vegetable, and the other one isn’t a Norwegian hat – so the game also ticks the educational box!

Anyway, I’d better go, as the family are waiting patiently for me to dish up Sunday lunch. Today we’re having David Icke and dogmuck pie… mmmmm, lovely!

Score: Strontium-90 percent.

Download .tap here

*in a funky skillo sort of a way, natch

Advanced Fiesta Simulator 3D

Chris

7th March 2015

Crap Games

1 Comment

I owned a Ford Fiesta over ten years ago. The blower stopped working except on position “4”, which necessitated turning the radio up, not that the speaker on the driver’s side worked properly anyway. One winter the internal heater decided to fail. Some time afterwards the radiator developed a leak, requiring a top-up every morning and an emergency spare bottle of water in the boot. In summer, my commute to work largely involved watching the temperature gauge slowly increase, praying that the “Road To Nowhere” wouldn’t be at a standstill, as the only way to keep the engine cool was to drive fast enough for the surrounding air to do the job. In winter I was dressed as the Michelin Man, praying that the “Road To Nowhere” wouldn’t be at a standstill, so I could get to work before I froze to death.

I figured this was qualification enough to review Garry Wishart’s Advanced Fiesta Simulator 3D for the ZX81.

I had a piece of shit car like this myself once.

The first thing which struck me was this game is HUGE. It needs a 16K ZX81, and the author advises against running it on a real machine because it “takes nearly 15 minutes to load”. However, he also advises there is a version with sound (“not included”) which only works on a real ZX81 – and requires a radio tuned to the specific frequency of 600kHz in the vicinity. That’s dedication, and I’m willing to take Garry’s word that such a thing both exists and works, as the rest of the code is unbelievably thorough – there’s even a mention of “friction coefficients”, though he has hand-rendered everything (which explains why the code takes up so much memory) rather than using his mathematical genius coupled with the ZX81’s UNPLOT command. Maybe the ZX81 wasn’t up to calculating the full first-person view of the road quick enough.

This advert was actually found next to Jim’s wife in the back of Fiesta magazine, due to an administrative error.

The game starts with you purchasing a used car, for less than the price of a Sinclair Black Watch (probably). “One careful lady owner”, the advert states – omitting the twenty or so buffoons who also owned it at one point or another.

After that you’re straight into the action. With as many controls as your average ZX81 flight simulator[1], you can do everything from accelerating to adjusting the mirrors. Even the horn has a key despite the ZX81 having no ability to output sound. Bizarrely, there’s no option to turn on the hazards, which are the first things I’d check are working in a MkI Fiesta. Ah, well, it’s a game, you won’t need them. The game helpfully tells you the controls no matter what you answer to the question “Instructions?”, so somebody’s been reading my old guide to writing a crap game.

The main display is your classic pseudo-driver’s view – a road disappearing into the distance – but with a few features not normally found on 8-bit era driving games. Firstly, the game has a five speed gearbox (one of the speeds is “reverse”, but it still counts), whereas you’d be lucky to get Lo/Hi gears back in the 1980s. Secondly, there’s a rear view mirror, despite there being no other traffic on the road. Garry has also kitted it out with the usual computer game dashboard components – speedo, clock, brake fluid low indicator (Huh? – Ed), that sort of thing.

The A14 near Creeting St Mary.

Unfortunately, the warning lights appear to be dead (It’s probably the fuse – Ed), as the first you’ll know about the engine overheating is when it’s on fire. The gearbox is faulty. The electrics are screwed up. If you slow down for the lights you’ll stall and be needing those hazard lights that haven’t been mapped to the ZX81’s keyboard. If you adjust the mirror it’ll come off in your hand.

I dare say that if you stay at a constant speed between about 20 and 40 mph, stay on the road and DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING you might reach Carlisle. Or you might still break down due to lack of fuel, an oil leakage, flat tyre or total boredom.

And…. stop.

Mr Lake, co-host of the 2007 CSSCGC, also had an old Fiesta. Exiting the vehicle involved winding the window down and operating the handle on the exterior of the door, although I believe in later years that failed too, and the only reasonable way to leave was via the passenger’s side.

I strongly suspect this game is based on a true story. It’s also entirely as advertised – advanced, accurate and in 3D. If you took out all the bits about the car breaking down, this would have sold as a full price title back in 1982. With them, though, it’s a superbly executed crap game which has had far too much effort spent on it. Top marks!

Download HERE

[1] There’s only one – Psion Flight Simulation, and it has twelve keys, but three of them have nothing to do with controlling the plane so I’ve ignored them.

Return Ink To Move Cat In To A Bin

Myke-P

7th March 2015

Challenges, Crap Games

3 Comments

MatGubbins gets straight into the Keyword Challenge with a 9-byter and then, immediately, follows it up with a second!

I’ve no idea if the challenge rules can even cope with that kind of out there thinking, but you have to admire the kid’s spirit.

Bonus points from the off!

A short load later and we’re presented with a marvellous title screen, in glorious chunk-o-vision™, and a colourful ‘press space to start’ prompt – the likes of which haven’t been seen since last year’s Run Ferrit.

There’s also a quick plug for some game or other, however, if this crap is anything to go by I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

No instructions needed? Correct

Onto the game itself and it’s a master class in literal titular interpretation. (F’nar – Ed)

You play Mr Fluffykins whose cat, Steve, is perched upon a fence at the bottom of the screen. A randomly placed… sack… of ink, inexplicably marked ‘Q,’ is placed somewhere on the screen and your job is to locate it, move towards it (using the predefined, but comfortably traditional, QAOP) and pick it up.

BUT WAIT! There’s more…

Pick up the… bag of Q?

Once in possession of the ink you need to – carefully – manoeuvre Mr Fluffykins towards the bottom of the screen. BUT BEWARE! Move too quickly and the ink will spill all over your nice clean shoes! (Possibly – Ed)

Deposit the ink into the signposted area and Steve will slink forward a little, all the time seduced by the sweet smell of rotting fish coming from the Wheelie Bin® at the far right of the screen.

HANG ON! You’re not finished by a long shot! Another bag of ink appears. CAN YOU RESIST?!?

See that pussy move (‘Arf – Ed)

NO! Collect the ink. Deposit the ink. Steve moves. Collect the ink. Deposit the ink… You get the idea.

Unfortunately Mr Gubbins has fluffed up again, this time managing not only to produce a more-or-less playable game, but also including some great UDGs while he’s at it.

I won’t spoil the ending for you – I think you’ve had more than enough excitement for one review – but MatG does leave it open for the sequel; RETURN PAPER TO BIN TO LET CAT OUT!

Score: 3 lives out of 9!

Download: .tap

_{Note: No animals, apart from Steve who injured his paw when he slipped on the fence at one point, were harmed in the making of this review. This review may contains elements that have been created or exaggerated for dramatic effect.}

The Thinking Brain 2

littlewilly

5th March 2015

Crap Games

Comments

The amazing thinking brian 2 by sunteam is a game a bit like the first game called the amazing thinking brian by sunteam except without the graficks. aparently due 2 budgie cutbacks the images wot were on the first game arent aloud on this game. something to do with lisencing or something.the artwork this time is drawn by a 11-year-old boy called billy. I i know who billy is, he goe’s to my skool. He’s good at drawing becase hes in year 6 which is like the highest year you can go in skool so he knoe’s a lot of stuff about stuff. but he’s not as good as drawing as the person what drawed the other drawings in the the amazing thinking brian 1 . I think all the text was wrote by billys’ five years old little brother, he goes to my skool too.Or may be it was a drunk person who writ everything. here is a screen shot. The game is a bit hard becase you have to remember where stuff like the * key and the = key and the ! key is, which is hard when your not playing on a reel spectrum. So you have to consentrait really hard!!!!! its even harder than that floppy birds game on ipads!

So what it is is, it is a game about advanced computer Artificail Intelligence AI, a bit like that film with the robot boy in it directed by steven seagal and he want’s to be a reel boy but gets dumped in a forest by his mum and then meets a hologram of robbie williams and goes underwater for 200000 years with his teddy bear and gets found by alien’s. Anyway, what happens in the game is, is theres this sientist, and this is wot he look’s like , and he lives in this lavarotary. And theres a flashing border and something about new-rons and then there’s a picture of ARNOLD SCHWARTZENGER who was in this film called THE TERMINATOR in the 1890s and here he is, its quite a good drawing billy drawed here i think, and hes got red eyes like jeoff cape’s in that other spectrum game and hes smoking a siggeret like people did in the 1880s. the only think i didn’t like about this game was when it asked me to press the % button on my spectrum and i couldnt find it becuase i was typing it on a emulater. so i had to brake into the game at that point. and then at the end it says that the thinking amazing brain can emulate a 13 or 14 year old, so its an emulator emulating a game about emulating, on an emulator!!!!! and the funny thing is its exactly like whot my big brother whose 14 says, because it doesnt matter what you say to him, he always says “whatever” back. so its a very acurrate reprenestation of a teenagers’ brian and for that reason i give it 10 out of 10 percent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reviewed by little willy (aged 6 and a 1/2).

Download The original disk file here or theres also a tap file here as well. oh and heres and update, if you have to use the disk file it only works on an amstrad +3 and you need to type load “katakis.c64” to load but if you can’t spell it if you just type “cat” it will show you what the name of the filename is or you could use the tap file instead.

Watching Paint Dry

leespoons

4th March 2015

Crap Games

7 Comments

Golf. Social media webinars. Twenty-minute conversations with one’s significant other about washing. To me, all of these things are as boring as watching paint dry. The thing is though, how do you tell when paint’s dry if you’re just watching it, rather than, say, dabbing it at regular intervals with your finger and going “oh bollocks, still wet”?

Well there’s two ways to find out – you could paint something and watch it dry, or you could play this fantastic simulator by David Pagett which recreates all the thrills and excitement you’d expect to find from a game called “Watching Paint Dry”. David helpfully listed some of the game’s features when sending in the game, and it all sounds rather fun!

Features:

16k compatible
Full colour
Sound
High Scores

That’s the sort of marketing blurb that would have sold hundreds of thousands of games in 1982. I can almost hear the last remaining 16k Speccy owner going “Hooray, finally someone’s released a game I can play! I’ve been patiently waiting over 30 years, my copy of Sir Lancelot is nearly worn out!”

So the game (written in good old BASIC) loads and then stops, in the style of the Cassette 50 games – a good start! On running you’re presented with red text on a yellow screen (that’ll be the Full Colour, then) and some instructions of sorts (press 1 to start, press 2 to stop), along with the high score (that’ll be the High Scores, then). However it’s not altogether clear if you need to hold down 1, repeatedly press 1 or just tap it once. I tapped it once and a patch of bright green paint appeared, along with a beeping noise (that’ll be the Sound, then).

However the beeping abruptly stopped and the bright green paint turned to dark green. I’d got a score of 1. Hmmmm, perhaps I need to hold it down a bit longer then. Try again. I hold down 1 for a bit, but soon get bored. I get 9. Perhaps I need to tap it a few times. Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap. Ooh, it’s still going. That’ll be the trick then. 44! Not bad, but not as good as David and his family who got a high score of 95 “before their eyes fell out!”

I’ll give it another go… tap… 80! Perhaps I don’t need to keep tapping after all! And another… 27… and another… bugger, only 19… 21… 15… I’m getting worse at this! What’s happening? One more go… 70… yay! 8?! Boo! 67! Yay! One more go, I can do this… it’s taking a long time…

95? Exactly the same as David’s high score? Now that is a coincidence! There’s two explanations here – either I’m really great at this game (getting the same score as the game’s creator is pretty good, I’d say), or every time you load and run it, it comes up with the exact same pattern of numbers, because it uses the RND function without first RANDOMIZE-ing. However I’ll give the author the benefit of the doubt here and say it’s down to my amazing paint-watching skills. David did say it kept his kids amused for about 15 minutes trying to beat each other’s score – so next time you hear “Daaaa-aaaa-aaad! I’m boooo-oooo-oooored!” on a Sunday afternoon, you know what to do!

And if the BEEPs are starting to annoy you while you play, just drown them out with this:

Score: INT (RND*100)+1 percent

Download here

Eye Gambler

bloodbaz

4th March 2015

Crap Games

1 Comment

From the guy that brought you such greats as the legendary Sam Fox Strip Snap, Alan Whicker simulator and, of course, Good Night’s Sleep Simulator, we have a new work of art called Eye Gambler. Here is the synopsis straight from the horse’s mouth:

“Geoffrey Bong has a problem with his eyes. He just can’t control them!”

OK so far, and oh, don’t I just know that feeling!

“So, taking advantage of this poor guy’s misfortune, you (and a friend/enemy/casual acquaintance) get to gamble on which of his eyeballs will reach the edge of his eye first.”

Err.. yes, just as you do when your friend/enemy/casual acquaintance has myriad abnormalities!

Ethical debates aside, let’s see what this box of tricks has in store for us…

Mr Andrew Green is really trying hard here. Not only has he delivered his game in an emulator friendly “Z80” format, he has also gone to the rather extreme lengths of designing cover art for the cassette:

Eye Gambler Cover Art

Impressed? We, (sitting at the top of the menacing heights of sqij towers) are. A first for this year’s competition anyway. A full 90 minutes extra work must have gone into that.

Fortunately, the cover art offsets the fact that we have no loader or loading screen to ~~bulk at~~ enjoy so right into the game it is. The loading page is colourful making full use of the attributes file and a JSW-paused-screen-style colour cycling thingy. This is swiftly followed by story background and game instructions. Luckily, I have a mildly worryingly passion for both gambling and eyes so this game sounds right up my street.

Basically the gist is… gamble your £100 by betting which pupil will reach the edge of the eye first. Crap points are duly awarded on account that the instructions say to “bet on which eyeball will reach the edge of the eye first”. Surely your eyeballs are in constant contact with the edge of the eye? I know mine are!

After choosing between 1 or 2 player mode (on the slim possibility that happen to be sitting there with a playmate, or that you even have any mates!), you enter your names and are off.

Each player chooses an eye (L for Left, R for Right) and the amount of dosh they are willing to risk. Clear signs if quality are noted as it checks that you can’t bet more than you have so I opted to bet 10*PI and EXP 4 for my two players.

Geoffrey Bong is then drawn up on the screen and his pixel-eyes start moving around in a very disconcerting fashion.

Geoffrey Bong with his independently moving pixel eyes

Clearly the bookies only accept whole number of £££ as when both players happen to win, they were each awarded £31 and £54 respectively, thus pocketing the extra 41.592653589p and 59.815p (also) respectively. Eye-Gambler-02

After that, it is basically rinse and repeat, except for the fact that if you lose all your money you are still expected to bet even though betting £0 is “too low”.

In all, Eye Gambler is reasonably decent. It certainly wouldn’t look out of place on the Cascade Cassette 50 tape. With a very comical storyline and some amusing graphics along the way, this game wins some valuable points along the way. Certainly, it’s nice not to have your eyes burn or ears melt at some really badly designed game. All in all, a thumbs up!

Download here: .z80 snapshot.

Marginal Pain

leespoons

3rd March 2015

Crap Games

3 Comments

Hot on the heels of his strongman/budgie simulator, Dave Hughes is back with an entry that impressed me straight away by having a long machine code block straight after the (quite good, actually) SCREEN$ had loaded. As I’d turned fast loading off in my emulator, the three-minute burst of noise instantly transported me back in time to 1987… I’m 12 years old again and I’m waiting patiently for the Mastertronic game I spent my pocket money on to hurry up and load.

I can almost taste the anticipation as I munch on a sweet ‘n’ sour Pot Noodle (that’s not anticipation, it’s diced carrot! Ed.) Will the game be a Finders Keepers? Or another Voyage into the Unknown?

I’m awoken from my daydream by my significant other yelling “Are you doing that internet banking thing again?!” At least I think that’s what she said…

Dave has helpfully included some instructions and a rather spurious back story about a REM statement trying to travel quickly through a CSSCGC entry. After sunteam’s last effort I’ve had it up to here with REM, so much so that I won’t even bother to make the joke about Michael Stipe again (you know, Michael Stipe, that’s him in the corner, losing his… oh never mind)

Now you know I said this game had a long machine code block? Well given that the author has written several good games in assembly I was expecting him to at least know how to move some graphics from one address to another, but no! I now have to sit through what seems like the whole of the Mesozoic Era while the graphics are loaded from memory onto the screen by way of the old FOR F=16384 TO 23295: POKE F, PEEK (F+16384): PAUSE 1000000000: NEXT F trick. OK, so the pause isn’t in there, but it still takes bloody ages, far longer than it does from cassette, and you don’t even get the nice screechy seagulls-being-tortured loading noises as compensation. I suppose I could speed the emulator up, but I’m very quickly starting to realise that being host of the CSSCGC is a bit like having sex on a bed of nails, except without the sex, and I’m not actually supposed to be enjoying this shit. So I just grin and bear it for three minutes (I thought you said it wasn’t like having sex? Ed.)

It’s a maze game! I like maze games. I wasn’t expecting a game I might like! Come to think of it, Dave did tell me this was a bit like his effort for the CSSCGC2014, Pixbit, but it obviously didn’t register with my crap-game addled brain. I assume if I hold down the O key I’ll go left, and if I take my finger off I’ll… nope, still going left! It’s a perpetual motion maze game! A. Down. At least the controls are fairly responsive, for a crap game written mostly in BASIC. There’s a wall coming up, hope I don’t crash into it… oh bugger I’ve pressed Q and crashed into myself instead… aaaaaaargh! Without so much as a by-your-leave I’m dumped back to the very start of the mega-slow screen-transferring epoch again. Nurse, the SCREEN$!

So I had another go and completed the level, only to be told I’d failed – because my time was – get this – too slow! Ha! Ha ha! Ahahahahahaha… oh f*** off.

There’s probably a good game in here somewhere, but if this game really was for sale in 1987 I’d strongly advise you to spend your pocket money on something else, like a one-way ticket to Timbuktu for Dave Hughes.

Verdict: this game is exactly like a sweet ‘n’ sour Pot Noodle. Bad for your health, and leaves a nasty taste in your mouth. Bleugh!

Download here!

REMventure

leespoons

2nd March 2015

Crap Games

4 Comments

LIST

10 REM It’s another game from sunteam on disk! Hooray!

20 REM Yes, yet another one where you have to change your emulator to +3 and remember the title of it to load – “remvent.ure” in this case!

25 REM (although I have converted it to .tap, so don’t worry if the idea of a Speccy with a disk drive brings you out in a rash)

30 REM Here’s a screenshot, so you’ll get the general idea:

40 REM No, it’s nothing to do with Michael Stipe’s band – instead, it’s a text adventure constructed entirely out of REM statements. Oh, my aching sides! Fetch me some Sellotape!

50 REM Although actually, in a funny sort of way, once you realise it’s not a playable game as such, it actually becomes a bit: playable GO TO 70, annoying GO TO 80.

60 REM In fact, sunteam has clearly put some thought into this, and I would go so far as to say it’s his least brain-buggeringly awful game to date – I might even play it again! GO TO 100.

70 REM A bit like a satirical take on those Fighting Fantasy books we all used to read in the 1980s, except with fewer scary monsters and more sausages. GO TO 60.

80 REM Although it’s far less annoying if you download the .tap file I’ve thoughtfully converted and play the game on a proper Spectrum, instead of one of those weird new-fangled Amstrad thingies. GO TO 60.

91 REM There is no line 90.

100 REM Download the game here (.dsk file for masochists/.tap file for the rest of us)

Where’s Wally?

leespoons

2nd March 2015

Crap Games

3 Comments

Another Simon Ferré effort, and at least this time he’s bothered to include a game. Despite the name, Where’s Wally isn’t the long-awaited follow-up to the last Wally Week title, Three Weeks In Paradise. Instead it’s (loosely) based on Martin Handford’s books of the same name, in which you have to find the bespectacled, behatted, bestripey-bejumpered Wally. Curiously Wally has different names in different languages (Waldo in North America, Charlie in France) so perhaps with a bit of tweaking Simon could, if you’ll allow me to lapse into corporate bollockspeak for a moment, “leverage the game’s multi-territory excremence value going forward”. I particularly look forward to the Norwegian version, Where’s Willy?

It starts well, with a FULLY ANIMATED loading screen, an astounding feat of programming skill that would have made the creators of the Moon Strike loader weep with rage if it had come out in 1988:

Hypnotic, isn’t it? In fact I’m guessing you’re all still looking at it right now, so I might as well write any old shite in this paragraph, just to pad out the review. Ultimate Play The Game were a rubbish software house. Glenn Medeiros was the greatest singer of the 1980s. The Commodore 64 is the best computer ever made.

Ahem. Now I’ve got that out of my system, let’s take a look at the game. Simon very helpfully hasn’t given any instructions, so after pressing a key you’re left to work proceedings out for yourself. Luckily Simon’s gone for the traditional key option of Q, A, O, P and Space – although U, D, L, R, F would’ve gained him more crap points! The game is pretty self-explanatory – you have to find Wally in a sea of stripy-jumpered people. Wally and his friends look very similar, comprising of a head (with no hat or glasses), a pair of stubby little legs, and the stripy jumper, which comes in a multitude of randomly-generated colours. Rather disturbingly Simon has forgotten to draw arms on his Wallies, which makes me wonder what they all do for a living when they’re not loafing about in a Spectrum game. Perhaps they take it in turns as Def Leppard’s drummer.

In an amazing feat of detection I worked out how to play the game almost straight away – you move your cursor around and highlight the correct Wally. Just to make it clear, the chap you’re looking for is the original Wally, who looks something like this (Microsoft Paint hasn’t been kind to him, but you get the idea)

The game is pretty tough at first. Choose the wrong Wally – and there are a few stripy red herrings thrown in there – and it’s Game Over, which made me wonder if Simon Ferré used to work for Dinamic. However I pretty soon worked out how to find him – I won’t completely spoil the fun for the rest of you, but if you stare at the screen without blinking you might get the idea…

And if you’re still not convinced by this game’s charms, there’s a snapshot available to download. In the author’s own words, “I was utterly captivated by this game and lost all sense of time while scouring the screen looking for Wally, and all I can say is that eventually I decided to give up after a whopping 109 score, as you can see from the snapshot I have provided. Let us see if anyone can beat this.”

I must admit after about 3 goes I was more bored than my kids on a wet Sunday afternoon in November during a power cut – but if you’re the sort of person who has far too much time on their hands, 109 is the score to beat!

Download: .tap / .sna

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