Month: July 2015

Papel, Pedra, Tesoura (Rock, Paper, Scissors)

Here is first the game of crap entry from the António Silva, and by Jehovah it is the crap. Everyone have been playinged the Rocks, Papers, Scissor, but ever have you been played it in both of the English and Portuguese all at same of time? Nope, neither me.

I do be saying “English”, but is more like the Manuel from Fawlty Towers English, which English is not at all really. Although way it is better still than is my Portuguese – and must I be admitting I thought in Spanish was game at the first.


As this is shot of snaps file, game he does not start immediate run – meaning you have of the BASIC listing to see! So to be start, type the RUN button. After bi-menu lingual, navigating, am asked I “quanto quer apostar?” with the numbero FLASHing, and the beneath choices of the papper, csissores, and of the rokc, thus:


One does be assumed this numbero is of the cash moneys which is allowing to be gamblinged. Hmmm… chooses I paper, the scissor, or stone? This is one of the tough. I could the rock be choosing, as that blunted would be becoming of the shears, but might not it get wrapped by the papyrus, yes?! Right, I’ll chosen the parchment. But if it get cuts by the secateurs? Okay, these in the stead I will be of choosing… but about what, of the pebble? Oh, I really know not. Permit us some psychologicals reversed to try, I calculate the computator expecting me will be to choose the boulder, so if I go for the two knifes, it will blunt the wooden thin sheet… or will the cardboard wrapping be to of the clippers… oh copulate it… trimmers of hedge it is… hey, I am of winnering! Well, “ganhou” I have been doing anyway, whatever it is meaning. Having a feel-up of the confidence, I try throwing more cash moneys again of paper this time… now I have “empatou” which is the same meaning as when you draw, like in the footyball when teams they get the number of same goals. This is joke of great funnitude, because the “paper” is what you do be “draw” on, yes? Hohohohohohohoho!


Everhow, my final moneys I try to gamble all, but oh big plums! All my money did be spunked away, or as game he says in of the English, “U gote no monei to pei iou ecspenses”. Worse it gets, do all my comrades running from me away, my husbandess she with my next-door man elopement, and all of the worst, the Speccy of mine is resetted! Waaaaah! No is fair!

Score: hundred of the one percent.

Download the game can be done here (shot of snap file).

Maria Whittaker Strip Snap

I’m sure Lee prefers it if I’m reviewing crap games, because it means I’m not adding more to the dung heap. Anyway, he seems to be avoiding this one, I’m assuming because he doesn’t want to get caught playing it. No such problem for me, I live on my own, and unless I’ve invited somebody human (or, erm, K8TI the sexy robot from UDG Strip Snap) around to play actual Strip Snap, I can just close the curtains and set the volume to one notch above absolute zero, and nobody’s any the wiser. Quite frankly, if they’re the sort of person who would come round and play Strip Snap, I doubt they would care about mildly obscene ZX Spectrum games anyway. btw, if any girls reading this fancy a game of Strip Snap, you can get me on Twitter. I can throw in some two-player Top Shelf (<snip!> – that’s quite enough of that, this isn’t Tinder – Ed)
So, as Sqij Tower’s unintentionally self-appointed censor, I took it upon myself to check out Andrew Green‘s Maria Whittaker Strip Snap. It’s a remake of Sam Fox Strip Snap, which I’m sure you all remember. If you don’t remember it, it doesn’t really matter, because this game is largely identical.

For some reason it starts with a plain green screen stating “ANY KEY”.
After that, there’s a digitised picture which should probably be a loading screen, followed by the instructions.
In my school, there was a joke that if you played Strip Poker (Strip Snap hadn’t been invented) against Pamela Anderson (the teenage boy’s crush of choice at the time), she’d turn up wearing several jumpers, a big coat, scarf, sunglasses, hat, wig, false beard etc. The teenage boy in question (in Smash Hits tradition, let’s call him “Ken”) would be there just in his pants…. and still win! Or was it the other way round? I forget.

How to play

How to play

I’d assume you know how to play Snap, but it came to my attention recently that a friend of mine didn’t know the rules. So, in case you’ve also been living in Poland, here’s a brief synopsis: Each of you starts with half a deck of cards, then in turn – no peeking (that’s for the latter stages of the strip version, and if you get really lucky there’ll be some poking taking place too) – you turn the top card and place it in front of you. If the numbers match, shout “Snap!” (and then press ‘S’, unless you have a voice controlled Speccy), and take the stack of played cards (or, in Strip Snap, an item of your opponent’s attire, such as that nice scarf you’ve been eyeing up since Christmas). If you call out when they don’t match, or the other player calls out first, they get the cards (clothes) instead. When you run out of cards (clothes), you lose. I should point out that in Strip Snap, you don’t actually get to put on the clothes the other player has been forced to discard, although that’s certainly a version of the game I’d like to see.
SNAP!  No, wait.  Bollocks. *removes bow-tie*

SNAP! No, wait. Bollocks. *removes bow-tie*

In this game, Ms Whittaker is wearing five items of clothing. She removes her dress first, then her shoes… hold on, I wouldn’t have even let her in without making her remove her shoes at the door, she’ll only make the carpet muddy and I need to check for explosives, and anyway, even if she had got past my security without taking them off, why the fuck is she removing her dress before her shoes? And counting her shoes as one item? This certainly isn’t the way I’d be playing Strip Snap, mind you I’ve seen, erm, I mean, heard about, porn where the woman is completely naked but never removes her shoes, and they’re always high heels too, there’s no way I’d stand for that sort of behaviour in the bedroom, or on the kitchen worktop, it’s a food preparation area (*ahem* – Ed) so maybe Andrew has it right here… er… where was I?
Ah, yes. You also start with five items of clothing. No, I don’t care how many items you are actually wearing (unless you’re female and it’s less than three, in which case send pictures), for the purposes of the game it’s irrelevant as you’re not going to need them – unless you’re insane, you’re not going to be physically removing your underwear for the benefit of a virtual Maria Whittaker, and even if you do, she’s probably only going to laugh at the size of your penis and then run back home to her husband. The game also fails to pose much of a challenge until you’ve reduced Maria to her panties, at which point she gets desperate.
SNA...aargh!  *removes hair clip*

SNA…aargh! *removes hair clip*

When either of you lose an item of clothing, you are treated to a picture of Ms Whittaker either celebrating or looking a bit annoyed. Andrew has missed a trick here, as he could have included some extra pictures showing Maria in the various states of undress as you de-clothe her. There is a bit of an extra treat if you win, which caters for the target audience just as you’d expect.
*removes bandana* (Why are you wearing a banana? - Ed)

*removes bandana* (Why are you wearing a banana? – Ed)

Score: Out of ten I’d give her one. Not much chance of that, though, she’s married.

Download: .Z80 (128K only)