polo – The comp.sys.sinclair crap games competition 2015

Unlike most folks, I’m not a big fan of dessert. I’ll eat some types of cake or icecream, but almost anything else gets a no thanks from me. Cheesecake, for instance. In theory, I should enjoy it, as I like all the component parts. Somehow, when combined into a cheesecake (which, I should point out isn’t really cheese and certainly isn’t cake) I can’t bear it. I’m also totally against the idea of chocolate with any sort of fruit. They’re just wrong together. Unless it’s Terrys Chocolate Orange, of course.

Line Overdrive is a game by catmeows that starts off with a lie. The title screen explains you use the letters Q and A to control your little manface. This is a LIE. You should use O and P.

Apple pie, and most puddings and crumbles however, I’m all over. And custard. Can’t beat a bit of custard. Tinned custard especially, in fact, which I know upsets some people as it isn’t made from scratch. I particularly like that cold, which I know also upsets a few folk.

Mint too is an odd one. I like mint-as-in-polo and mint-as-in-herb, but mint chocolate? No. Not even mint Aero. Evil stuff. Mint icecream? Get right out.

lineovrdrv [2015-03-13 18:53:54]

After the longest ever wait for the level to “build” on the screen, you’re finally given control (O and P remember). I maybe missed the plot, but you appear to be at some sort of party, although I did think for a while you were a train. Your manface-onna-stick travels along a line and you rotate it round the point at which the stick touches the line. You have to avoid red things with your face. Then you reach the end of the line and the next level slowly appears on the screen.

These pudding prejudices have been known to cause issues when out for a meal. Too many places seem to have cheesecake or fruit-and-chocolate based desserts. Rare indeed is a sticky toffee pudding, jam holy moly roly poly, or, hens teeth tier spotted dick. Which is a shame.

Oh wait. The instructions are on the title screen. I didn’t read them. Yeah, you’re at a party. Each level seems to be a different stage of the party. And the line is cocaine you’re snorting? Right.

Black Forest Gateau seems to have fallen out of favour with shops and restaurants alike, which is excellent news as I can’t stand it. Fruit and chocolate together you see. Horrible mix. Jam, cherries and chocolate in fact. Many a nightmare has featured a BFG.

The problem with Line Overdrive isn’t so much the game, but how terrible it plays. The controls are unresponsive and every death is because of that. Aside from my first 15 deaths, which were down to Q and A not working. Did I mention the game lies? LIES. But there are bonus points for using LINE and OVER keywords. And DRIVE.

I made a cheesecake once. It was disgusting.

Are you telling me DRIVE isn’t a keyword? Really? But there was a Microdrive and everything. And a floppy drive on the +3. Surely there was a DRIVE command. LOAD m you say? I see. More lies.

Final score: CHEESE/CAKE%. Don’t do drugs, kids.

Download ze tap here. No wait, here. Actually it’s here.

In 1779 Lord Mongoose of Essex devised a simian-based ball game for two teams of eight players. Each team captain was assigned a monkey, and all other players a polo mallet. Play was on a circular field except during the winter playing season, when play was in the drawing room.

The aim of the game was to thwack the monkey off the shoulders of the team captain (ideally without also thwacking the captain’s head off at the same time), which scores the team a point. If a player managed to thwack a monkey outside of the circle (or, in winter, out the window or up a chimney), then the team was allocated a Bonus Banana allowing them to double up on monkeys for the next quarter of the game.

Play continued until either all five quarters of the game had been played, or the players had exhausted all the monkeys.

We were lucky enough to catch up with Lord Mongoose for a quick chat about the game he invented:

Lord Mongoose, sir, thank you for taking the time to talk to us about Monkey Polo.

Your Greys. You must refer to me as “Your Greys”.

Sorry, Your Grace. My ap…

GREYS. Not Grace. Did your parents teach you nothing, you beastly child?

I, er, no. Sir. I mean Your Greys. So, about Monkey Polo. How di…

Ah yes. My greatest invention that was. Monkey Polo. Did you know Queen Victoria played it at her coronation party? Of course, the monkeys were gold plated and each player was one of her personal knights. But it was still Monkey Polo.

I did not know that, no. So how did the game co…

Not like that Butter Monkey Polo “game”. From the 1960s? What rot that was. They stole my game, replaced the monkeys with knobs of salted butter, and made the circular field a pentagon! A pentagon! I sued the TV network that came up with that nonsense, I can tell you.

Interesting. I think. Perhaps you could tell me a little about how you came up wit…

I invented Exploding Chess too, you know. I admit, I took my inspiration from the normal chess game, but it was my additions to the ruleset that shows my true genius.

Exploding Chess? I don…

Of course you must have heard of it. Was an absolute riot in the opium establishments in the 1800s. The full details are far too complicated for someone such as yourself to grasp, you’d need to play a thousand games to simply understand the rules, but the main distinguishing feature over its more rudimentary fore-father is the introduction of pawns whittled from blocks of TNT.

Uh, isn’t that a little, er, dangerous?

What do you mean? Opium is perfectly safe.

No, I mean the TNT.

What TNT? The monkeys ate bananas, not TNT. What are you talking about, boy?

I meant the TNT in Exploding Chess.

Where did you hear about Exploding Chess? Are you a Nazi spy?

Erm, no, you just told me y…

Nazi! You’re a Nazi! I knew it! Get off my lawn or I’ll fetch my blunderbuss.

So there you have it. Monkey Polo. What a load of crap.

The comp.sys.sinclair crap games competition 2015 -

Tag: polo

Line Overdrive

Famous Crap Games Throughout History #1: Monkey Polo