Month: April 2015

Gardener of Doom

Last year’s Forest of Doom had an epic backstory of dwarves, dark magic, forests (obv. – Ed) and death barbs.

This game, however, has a seemingly pedestrian plot involving Charlie Dimmock tidying up her back yard!? Luckily, just as I was falling asleep in my armchair on a Sunday afternoon, those clever marketing chaps at R Tape, inc. insisted on adding an imminent nuclear apocalypse to the plot – which ups the tension by a factor of 5.4321!

The games loads with a programatically rendered nuclear hazard symbol, immediately followed by some exceptionally clear (and disappointingly well wrapped) instructions:

There is an impending nuclear apocalypse but your garden still needs sorting.

Your task is to cut all the long grass with the mower, put all the leaves in the bin, and feed all the acorns to the Jay.

If all that wasn’t enough, you should probably build a shelter to protect you from the pending nuclear winter. Use the rocks.

Naturally, as R Tape is both kind and sound (ish – Ed) of mind, the keys with which you will accomplish these tasks are QAOP.

New garden

Advanced Lawnmower Simulator of the Apocalypse?


The garden is rendered at random (and at surprising speed for a 100% BASIC entry) with blocks of grass and the aforementioned leaves, acorns, bin, Jay and rocks.

Where the acorns and leaves appear directly influences whether I start by mowing the grass or cleaning up the objects first.

You start with 1500 ‘seconds’ on the clock and, in this particular round, I (wished – Ed) away nearly 1200 of them just pushing around the lawnmower.

Tidying up

Lawn mowed. Now for the leaves…


I try to clean up as many acorns and leaves as I can, but it’s all for naught – the remaining time is depleted in, well, no time!

Suddenly this creepy top-hatted geezer appears in the bottom-right of the screen. I’m not sure who he’s supposed to be, however, his job seems to be to judge how well you’ve done at clearing the garden so I’m guessing it’s a nightmarish vision of Alan Titchmarsh?

Whoever he is he takes his sweet time about the assessment and, eventually (but predictably,) berates me for missing ‘one or two’ items. Then, without even considering my pleas for mercy, fires me on the spot!

Good Lord (Sugar)

You’re Fired!


I barely have time to start feeling sorry for myself when the sirens begin to wail and the figure in the bottom-right becomes even more ghoulish than before.

If you thought your eyes hurt after Dave’s last ‘… of Doom’ outing, then you ain’t seen nothing yet (and soon won’t be able to anymore) as the screen systematically fills with blocks of flashing nuclear debris.

You can run but you can’t hide (unless, as you were warned, you’ve built yourself a shelter out of rocks – Ed) and inevitably you’ll succumb to the apocalyptic fallout leaving only the cockroaches and a satisfying STOP statement.

Game Over

Game Over


On my best day I reckon I’m about 300 ‘seconds’ short of getting anywhere close to completing all 4 tasks, so out of pure curiosity, I resorted to editing LINE 391 to give myself more time. Anyone who doesn’t want to ruin the surprise (or thier eyesight – Ed) shouldn’t click here.

Then it occurred to me; who cares about their job knowing that the entire world is about to be wiped out by a nuclear apocalypse?! Forget what Titchmarsh says and just build the (flippin’ – Ed) shelter! Sure enough, that strategy works as well.


All in all a marvelous waste of an afternoon and fine excuse not to mow the actual lawn. Nice work R Tape – I’ll have whatever he’s having, please bartender.

Score: 1 out of 4 Horsemen

Download: .tap

Crap Idea Generator

So the competition’s been running for a few weeks now, and we’re already up to 30 entries, with lots more still on the dung heap and a whole nine months left to go – yikes! But what about those of you who want to produce a crap game but find yourselves lacking in inspiration? Fear not! This great utility from Simon “Simon Ferré” Ferré takes the hard work out of game design by coming up with the idea, leaving you to concentrate on the actual gameplay:


It’s a simple principle, a something has to do something with something by doing something. However with over 50 RANDOMIZEd somethings for each something (Or something. Ed.) the crap game possibilities are almost endless, as you’ll see in the forthcoming screenshots – and I really liked the name of the variables used to construct the game ideas – i$, d$, e$ and a$!


Note to self – there’s not much to review here really, the readers just need to load the thing up for themselves and find out what it does, so you probably need to pad this out a bit. Just put any old shit here and you can always change it later if need be. It’s not as if anybody reads these reviews anyway. They’re all far too busy watching cat videos, or uploading cat videos, or watching videos of cats uploading cat videos… how’s my word count now? … watching cats videoing cats watching videos of cats uploading cat videos…


…only 250-odd words? Bugger, that’s not even two tweets’ worth. Perhaps I’ll write a poem to bulk it out a bit more. There was a young fellow called Tucker, whose girlfriend was a chicken plucker. Whilst having a punt*, he opened her (picnic basket. Ed), and promptly proceeded to (have a nice cup of tea and a couple of cucumber and bloater-paste sandwiches with the crusts cut off. Ed).  Is that 500 words yet? Oh, that’ll do.


 So at some point I’ll be setting the CIG challenge… although with potentially over 7 million different crap game ideas, I may live to regret it!


Score: 7,171,008 crap ideas out of 100%!

Download herré (do you see what I did therré?)

*A punt down the Cam (a river in Cambridge), in a punt (a type of boat which you punt along). I was really struggling to think of anything else that rhymed with “picnic basket”.